When I read back through these blog entries it is quite illuminating for me as I contradict myself almost every time; going from saying that everything is hopeless and I can’t do it anymore to working on arrangements and producing a load of new versions of the songs. I guess the fact I never stop working on this is because I really love it, and no matter how many setbacks I have, I love these songs. After a long walk and conversation with my niece before Lockdown 3, she reminded me of this... as well as offering her opinions on how the arrangements could be improved, which I took on board (even saying that the first version of ‘What If’, with marching drum, is better than the 2nd version, with the congas, and better than the now completely altered 3rd version). It is interesting talking to someone much younger about music and hearing their points of reference – it was enlightening. She made me become a listener of these songs again and more importantly reminded me as the writer/author you sometimes have to answer criticism with a simple: “I love it and that’s why I chose to do it that way… it is fine you don’t agree, not everyone likes everything.” It was great to be reminded of that and moreover, the bottom line has to be me, I have to love this, rather than make something I think someone else will like. As I said to Kevan recently: “This is the way I want to make music.”
I don’t really know who my target audience is except that they have to be the type of person like me who will listen closely – many people just hear songs passively or just want instant gratification, or they only want background music, that is not my target, I want people to give their full attention and listen for the melodic and harmonic subtleties and the effort that has gone into writing and making this album. There is meticulous attention to detail in the arrangements and repeated listens will bring them out.
The thing is though I do love pop music and I love catchy melodies, but the albums and songs I return to have more to them than just a three minute jaunt. I want to surprise and in some ways shock by not conforming to certain expectations. That is what I always want to hear in music… something different.
I guess my fear is being pretentious or having delusions of grandeur; as in believing these songs are extraordinary when they are just ordinary; or demanding attention from discerning listeners for something that is childishly simple and does not actually warrant that level of exploration. I try and emulate my heroes (the likes of Bowie, Paul Simon, Joan Armatrading, Steely Dan, Jackson Browne, Feist, Coco Rosie and Talk Talk) and create music that is original, intriguing and interesting, but I know I am not in their league as a player, so I have to do what I do best, and that is be me and tell my story. If I can be honest in my intentions and performances then above everything else that has to be my goal. When criticisms are levelled at the music I feel that I have been exposed as a fake, by that I mean I have tried to be a different kind of composer in stead of being true to myself. But I suppose a part of being a musician is testing your skills and trying to progress. I remember Bowie said that it is always better to be slightly out of your depth and work hard to push boundaries, otherwise you are either on boring and predictable safe ground or drowning. I have written a lot of different styles of songs over the years, and the ones I like most of all are the ones where I have written from the heart and tried something different.
As an honest down to earth person my fears of being contrived, overly serious leading to being pretentious or accusations of being derivative, will hurt me the most. My energy is almost solely focussed on trying not to be guilty of these, and then on a secondary level not being boring or unadventurous. Any other criticisms I can live with. As an artist I have to be true to myself but also appreciate the sensibilities of potential listeners. I am a big fan of John Lennon and love how he almost effortlessly managed to be fixed in his ideas of how he wanted to sound, with no thought for an audience and yet occasionally write knowing it would have an impact on a pop audience. His career is full of the songs only his fans love and then other songs he classified as ‘Collectable Lennon’ (the subtitle for his hits album ‘Shaved Fish’). He had a gift for melody but also a love of post-modern art that reaches out beyond a simple pop audience, pushing at those musical prejudices and constraints. He alienated a lot of fans one year and then won them back again the next year, but was always true to himself. Over the Christmas break I was given his recent collection as it contained a surround sound mix (something I absolutely love). When I listened to the track ‘God’ and specifically the line: “I was the Walrus, but now I'm John,” I broke down in tears because it kind of encapsulated everything I love about Lennon’s character; stating that he is just a man, staying true to his belief in himself and his wife: no longer a Beatle, rockstar, celebrity… just a man. In the book that comes with this collection it is also clear that he made records to a vision in his head, not to please his legions of fans, and there is a profound beauty and simplicity about his recordings. He captured moments in time with a clear honesty, never considering himself a great musician or singer, he made up for any deficiencies with ballsy performances and a strong belief he was doing the best he could. I guess I was thinking of all of those things and how I am producing this album against a backdrop of criticism and questioning, and how I need to clear out all that negativity and do it my way – because my way might not be the best way, but it is the only way that has my individual stamp on it. When I stray from that it is not me anymore, it is me trying to sound like something else. And that will not do.
Now we enter 2021 into a new lockdown but with renewed belief; the good and bad always managing to balance each other out. I have worked on ‘A Child’s Tale’ recently, improving the vocal melody and re-recording all those vocal parts – it sounds suddenly more emotional and more powerful. I believe I can do this, and do it exactly my way. There were moments last year when I would listen to these songs and not feel 100% sure of them, and that is why I was swayed by criticism, now I can listen to them and feel everything is right and more importantly I listen to my own counsel, when something doesn’t feel/sound right I can find a way of making it right. If that doesn’t satisfy a listener I am okay with that now because I love it. Similarly, I have recorded a new demo version of What If called “What If What Next What Now” that is close to the original but keeps the energy and has a new middle eight – this has to now be incorporated into the original version. You see, I do take on board opinions even if I don’t accept everything being said. But there has to be a point where I stop asking other people and just present the finished piece in its completed album format.
Having said all this (and thanks for sticking with me here) – I have also asked my older brother for his opinion and advice on everything I have produced so far. He had a profound influence on me when I started writing songs back in 1979/80 – and as a songwriter himself, he was always one step ahead of me but always encouraging and honest enough to say when my songs weren’t good enough… this is probably why I was slow asking for his opinion this time. I’ll let you know what he says and what happens next. Thanks again Charley, Debbie and Kevan for your support.
Stay safe out there
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